Have I really not blogged since September?!?
I've had a baby since then. I suppose not much more explanation is needed.
So here I am- December 27th. Back from maternity leave (and yes, I
know I never wrote about my labor or my time at home). I have such great
intentions.
Almost on the brink of a new year. This last week before 2013 feels haunting
in some way. Like these last moments of this incredibly momentous new year are
slowly fading away and I don’t have much time with them left. So much feels
unfinished. Unresolved.
Neglected.
I have this hollow feeling inside myself that feels there has been so much
happening in the last 365 days and too much of it has been unkempt. Pushed to
the side, halfway finished. Neglect to bring any of it to completion.
What the heck am I talking about? Your guess is as good as mine. It’s just a
deep sense I have that has been crawling up from deep inside. I keep pushing it
down because there is no time to deal with anything other than the present
drama of newborns, toddlers, marriage, etc.
However, I’m realizing the ugly consequences of my neglectfulness and how
its not just affecting me but the people around me. And its ugly. And I hate
it. And I’m not sure how to fix it.
Let me see if I can even think back to the beginning of this year and
remember all that has happened.
In January we still had D’Maya and D’Montrey and opened our home to a third
foster baby… Ja’Kayla. Little did we know how she would become so much more.
At the end of January we found out we were pregnant! Wow- Three foster kids
and a pregnant woman with fluctuating hormones and bad morning sickness- Those
were hard times!
The stress of a 4 year old with extreme behavior issues and ADHD, a 2 year
old and a 9 month old and being pregnant finally came to a head in March. Our
home had become toxic and our marriage was hurting- something had to change.
With a heavy heart, we told our agency we could no longer care for the 4 year
old- He was more than we were equipped to handle and his behavior was spiraling
out of control. CPS ended up moving him to an assessment center where they
could decide if his level of care needed to be increased. We kept his sister
and Kayla. That was an incredibly hard decision for us- one that I still
struggle with to this day. The day to day stress decreased and it was us and
the girls.
April marked the end of college for me. What a burden lifted!!! Oh yeah, did
I mention I was still in school during the previous months. Looking back, it
was only by the GRACE OF GOD that we made it thru those tumultuous months. We
also celebrated Kayla’s first birthday. Also, one of my standard blood tests
came back revealing there were some antibody issues with my pregnancy and
caused quite a scare.
May brought us the discovery that my antibodies were cold antibodies,
eliminating the possibility that they could harm my unborn child. Such relief!
We also found out that we were having a BOY and were so thrilled!!! Towards the
end of May, D’Maya went to be reunited with her brother in a new foster home.
That was so incredibly heart breaking for me. So many emotions were wrapped up
in that move. Such guilt, worry, sadness… I still struggle to be honest but I
have to trust God with their lives. It’s all I can do. By the time the month of
May was over, it was just Vance, Kayla, Me and our little boy in my belly. Life
finally seemed to calm down and we thought for a moment we could catch our
breaths and relax for a while.
June rolled around and was pretty uneventful. Vance went on a week long youth trip and then to a conference for a weekend, so I was alone with the baby more than I was used to. I did get to see Angie Gunter
who is like a mother and big sister to me and that was wonderful!!! I was half
way thru my pregnancy and feeling as large and in charge as ever. Ha! I thought
I was big then!
July rolled around and brought its miserable heat to my swollen body and
sickness upon our household! Vance was sick for a month! Like, sleeping on the
couch sick because he didn’t want to get his pregnant wife sick. Between my
pregnancy hormones, vance being gone for a week and then coming back and
getting sick, I had a mini mental breakdown. I felt like I was taking care of Kayla
on my own and I was tired!!! I even made vance cry at one point because I was
so mean to him. It was UGLY. July was a rough month in the Garvey home.
The sickness stuck around in August and Kayla was hospitalized for pneumonia.
That was so hard!!! By this point, we already loved her like she was our own
flesh and blood and to watch her be so sick and defenseless was heart breaking.
We spent three days in the hospital with her by her side- we never left! The
whole situation bonded us to her even more but also caused her to become quite
needy and fussy. I think the “terrible two” phase really started after her pneumonia.
The poor child has been sick off and on since then, teething, welcoming a baby
brother and not being the baby anymore… and becoming a toddler- its hard work
to be so little and go thru so many changes. This was also the
month she stopped sleeping thru the night… man, August was a hard month as well.
Vance and I were exhausted to say the least- I was so pregnant and miserable. AGAIN,
the GRACE of GOD brought us thru the summer.
In September, my older brother Ben and my sister Elizabeth whom I was meeting for the first time came to visit us. Lots of emotions stirred inside my heart. We had lots of
wonderful baby showers that blessed us with everything we needed and more! The
nursery was being prepared, we had decided on a name for our Son, I had already
started dilating and I was becoming more and more impatient to bring this baby
into the world and out of my body!
Now, thru out this entire year and specifically late summer, we had been led
to believe that Kayla’s case would be open and shut- parents were out of the
picture and it looked like she would go up for adoption. Then her biological
mom came back into the picture and started trying to gain back custody. Then a
cousin on her biological fathers side came into the picture and started trying
to gain custody. Everything we thought was guaranteed started to fly out the
window and our hearts began to panic. At one point, we really thought we might
loose her to biological family and we spent days and weeks grieving the thought
that this child we had quickly grown to love might be taken from us. We
ultimately had to come to a point of trusting God and waiting it out. The
journey of adoption of this little girl still isn’t over- but God has brought
us thru the valley’s and mountain tops and we know the best is yet to come.
On October 8th, 2012 I gave birth to Joshua Anderson Garvey. The
month of October is a blur of priceless moments gazing at our son, painful
post-partum recovery from a very quick, natural, vaginal delivery, visits of
family and friends… but ultimately when our family of three became a family of
four. I’m still in awe of the miracle that He is.
November I was home on Maternity leave the whole month. I think I spent that
whole month holding Jos in my arms! Kayla had a rough
transition with the new baby and her sassiness was at an all time high. Tantrum
city! Thanksgiving came and went and I tried to cherish every moment home with my
boy. At the end of the month, we had another ER visit, this time for jos due to
a high fever. It was horrible!!! After having him catheterized, blood drawn, IV, spinal tap…. They discovered he just had a virus and was better the next
day. OH how our hearts broke making him go thru all that at 6 weeks old!!! The
saying is true that having a child is like living with your heart outside of
our body- We were just thankful he was
healthy and it didn’t turn into anything worse. We also found out that Kayla’s
bio mom signed paperwork to terminate parental rights… things were starting to
look hopeful for the first time in her case.
On December 10th I went back to work part time. The kids started
daycare part time at Mothers Day Out and we have been so thankful and impressed
with the quality of care they receive there! We found out we had been moved to
the adoption unit in CPS and had a new adoption caseworker!!! Such a miracle!!! We spent Christmas
with dear friends in Houston and had a wonderful time (even though Kayla got bronchitis
while we were there).
Now we are back from our trip. New years is right around the corner. Vance
leaves on the first for his ski trip and I’ll have the kids alone which I’m
dreading- it feels like my arms are chopped off when he is gone.
But what a year! Looking back I honestly don’t know how we made it thru. We
had some really dark times. Honestly, I didn’t realize all that had happened this
year until I sat down just now on facebook and looked thru all my posts.
In reflecting and sharing our past year, I come back to where my mind is right now.
I struggle with guilt almost on a daily basis because I don’t live up to the
person I know I should be… want to be… am called to be.
I’m a horrible example of Grace and love most the time. I’m judgmental,
resentful, impatient. I deny myself Grace and as a result, deny others the
same gift.
I’m pretty sure this year was eventful by anyone’s standards. I’ll give myself
that. I’ve had a lot going on. Its true.
Yet, with each new circumstance or event, I left the previous one
unfinished. Unresolved. Neglected.
In a mad rush to keep my head above water, I’ve neglected my soul.
Honestly,
I’ve been running around trying to meet others needs so much this past year,
that I really haven’t given myself any time to deal with anything. And that’s scary.
Its unhealthy. It needs to change.
I’ve hurt some relationships this year because of my neglect. I’ve become a
person internally that I don’t really like because of my neglect. My walk with
the Creator God that I put all my hope and trust in has become mechanical at
best. And that’s not who I want to be. It’s not the life I want to live.
It’s definitely not what I want to teach my children. It’s not what I want
for my marriage. It’s not what I want for myself.
My faith in God consumes my entire reason for living- yet… I’ve lost the heart
of it in all the business of my life this past year.
My soul (my mind, my emotions, my spirit) have suffered greatly. I know it’s
true because I know myself and I’m not the same. People look at me from the
outside and may not be able to tell, but I can tell.
I suspect this is an age old struggle for many parents. Children bring a
whole new dynamic to the hustle and bustle of our modern lives.
But I don’t want it to stay like this.
I don’t have any huge revelation as to how this is going to Change.
I don’t have any insights as to what to do or where to go from here.
For now, I’m just sharing my discovery of how stagnant my soul has become
and my open confession that I don’t want to stay this way.
All the blessings of this past year can’t make up for a stagnant
relationship with God.
My prayer for this new year is that God in his Grace and Mercy would bring
to me new understandings of the deeper things in this life.
And that I can look back at the end of 2013 and honestly say that I am not
the same person…
Because if we are not evolving, we are dying. I don’t want to live life in a
state of slow decay.
