Staying home with the two foster kids FULL TIME while I'm unemployed has been really hard.
This is our first placement and I have learned in the last 6 weeks just how many areas of my life I need growth in.
People always say to us, "It takes a special kind of person to do what you're doing." or "I could never be a foster parent, I dont have what it takes."
To such comments, my only answer is this: There is nothing special about me. I am not stronger, more patient, more loving, more gracious than any of you reading this. In fact, I'm probably much more impatient, unforgiving and unloving than most of you! I'm not just saying that either! I feel utterly wicked these past 6 months.
I feel like I could just fall into a million pieces tonight. What else is new?!? Its how I feel as of late. I feel lost, empty and like a miserable failure.
Today I lost my patience with little baby girl. I dont even remember what she did- oh thats right, we were painting pumpkins and she started throwing a tantrum about her paint... and I just snapped. I picked her up, plopped her down on the bench and put her in time out while I ranted and raved like a lunatic. It doesnt sound that bad, but the anger I felt scared me.
I felt so much anger and impatience and resentment towards this sweet baby girl and as she sat there, crying big crocodile tears, guilt and remorse started to slowly sink it, until I felt utterly horrible.
Of course, children are so forgiving and within 10 minutes she was wanting to sit in my lap again and give me kisses (which made me feel even more horrible).
I say all that to say... It doesnt take someone special to be a foster parent. I hope I'm vulnerable enough for people to see how utterly imperfect I am, and yet, God still uses those who are weak, ugly and broken to bring strength, beauty and healing to his children.
I am struggling deeply with patience these last few weeks. It seems like EVERYTHING the kids do infuriates me and makes me snap. From screaming in the car, to throwing tantrums about wanting milk, to crying at bedtime, to splashing water onto the floor during bath time, to not listening when I call their name until I say it for the 5th time... I could go on... everything is getting to me and I'm sure my blood pressure is off the charts.
I'm desperate to learn how to let things go. How to choose my battles. How to not be so uptight and laugh at the silly things they do instead of constantly getting onto them. I cant keep this up. Seriously, I need help.
Please, pray for me if you can and send any words of wisdom or parenting advice that you have my way. I admit I'm new to this. I have no clue what I'm doing half the time. I need lots of wisdom.
Love,
Nicole
This is so beautiful, Nicole. I totally understand what you mean too... sometimes the anger that comes out in me over something a small child did (or even our cats sometimes) scares me... May Jesus continue to work this out in us until completion. Praying for you. <3
ReplyDeleteHUGS! HUGS! And MORE HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this has been so hard. But be encouraged (I hope)... I think EVERY mom has seasons like this. I know I do. It's like a roller coaster of "good mom/bad mom". And it's ok when it gets you down sometimes, as long as you are willing to pick up and try to be better tomorrow.
Don't forget to give it to the Lord. I find that generally speaking my "bad mom" weeks are the ones where I'm neglecting my Relationship. There are still times when He and I are doing great and I still lose my cool, but it's way more likely to happen to me when I've been putting Him off.
<3 If this is the "worst" it's gotten, you are still doing just fine! Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect. NONE of us moms are, even though we'd like all the other moms to think so ;)
This is such a powerful and true blog and not just about your life or your feelings but about ALL parents. Parenting is one of the toughest jobs I have EVER done and also one of the most trying ones as well. Whenever I freak out or have a melt down I usually will put myself in time out (even if it is on the couch across from them) I have to think about the situations for a second and then react. But trust me more times than not I don't think first. I can also relate to the no job staying at home full time as well... I have always worked and was proud to make my own money and have no worries with bills, spending, etc. but when we had our first daughter my husband and I both felt the need of me being home with our children ( I was unknown to how it would truly make me feel). I often will sit up at night when one of my daughters won't sleep thinking to myself "is this REALY what my life turned out like, I had so many dreams of becoming something, going places, etc. and now here I am sitting up with a child who doesn't want me to put them down." I use to hate to tell people when they would ask what I did for a living that I was a stay at home mom until one person looked at me and said "JUST a stay at home, you should say that with pride because there is no better gift then to be able to watch your children grow... because pretty soon they will be grown." I found that to be so true and ever since then I have started to enjoy what I do and be thankful that we can live on one income enough to get by so that our girls will have their mom.
ReplyDeleteRemember that you are NOT alone, and if you can (this really helped me) was I found a group of women that had kids my kids age whom stay home too and get together with them for play dates, moms nights out for happy hour, etc. The library offers free classes usually for children of all ages and this is where I found most of my friends. Just an idea, plus it is good to have friends going through the same things as you to talk with and vent with.
You are doing great and your children are being blessed for life.
I hope I was a little of some comfort.
Much love, Hilary