Some of you may or may not know, but I lost my job two weeks ago.
Since CPS wont pay for daycare if Vance and I both are not working full time, I have had to become a full time stay at home mom over night.
I'm still looking for a new job and I know that God will provide me the right job at the right time, etc. etc...
Thats not what I want to write about here though...
Staying home, all day long, every day, with two young kids is really, really hard! If it sounds like I'm whining and starting to throw a fit, you would be right in thinking so!!! I'm worn out today and its only noon!
Deep inside myself I hear this little voice crying out, a thousand times a minute, every day, screaming, "I cant do this!!!"
Now, I know I can do anything with God's grace and mercy. Trust me, thats the only way I've been able to last 2 weeks at home. But I just want to fall into a million pieces and cry every day. (excuse me, I have to go give little boy a death look because I can hear him banging his feet against the wall while He's supposed to be napping).
I think the thing I'm upset the most about is that being a stay at home mom isnt what I thought it was going to be. I'm not who I thought I would be. I had this romantic idea that staying home and raising children would be so peaceful, so beautiful, so inspiring... but so far its stressful, exhausting and the only thing I feel inspired to do is crawl in a hole and hide.
Perhaps a lot of my trouble is inexperience. Like today when I attempted to make a "fall craft" with the children and it turned into them screaming, crying and throwing sticks at each other. I should have known maya was too young for such a thing, but no... i had to learn the hard way.
I'm sure a lot of my angst is stemming from the fact that I'm premenstrual and haven't brushed my teeth or taken a shower yet today. That could probably be part of it.
But I think I'm just feeling deeply disappointed. Isnt being a stay at home mom what I've been telling people I want to do with my life? Wasnt this what I felt God had called me to do someday? Maybe its just not supposed to be today... or maybe I'm called to this only because I'm such a miserable failure at it on my own.
I feel a bit like Moses right now, crying and pleading with God, please dont ask me to do this. I'm horrible and I'll royally screw these kids up if you make me stay home with them one more day!!!!
Anyway, I just needed to vent. For those of you stay at home moms reading this, let me just tell you... I think you are the strongest, most courageous women in the world. You honestly have the HARDEST job in the world and I would like to take a swing at any man or woman who wanted to argue otherwise.
I'm gonna go take a shower and brush my teeth now.
Any thoughts, wisdom or encouragement would be welcomed at this point.
Love,
Nicole
Nicole,
ReplyDeleteCan I just say first off, that God has been wrestling with my heart and challenging myself and Luke by what you and Vance have done. Seriously, knocked to my knees almost daily asking God what He wants from us.
Second, being a stay at home mom is a tough job. However, I had 9 months to prepare for an infant. A baby who I have watched grow in to the toddler she is today. I know just about everything there is to know about her. How she will react in certain situations, what she will eat when we go certain places, etc. You became mom to these two overnight!! You have to give yourself some credit. Your job is MUCH harder than mine has ever been! What a blessing you are to them, even in the moments when craft time doesn't go so well. When something doesn't work out the way I've planned, I have to remember that Madelyn is watching to see how I will react in these situations.
You've been on my heart since you told us that night at Fresh what God was doing through you! We've prayed for you daily and hope that you know that while it may be challenging at best, you are doing a fantastic job because you are being obedient to what God has called you to do!
*Kathryn
(p.s. every day that I start with a shower and putting on real clothes is far better than the ones that I wait until nap time to get ready...even if she dumps a whole box of cereal out all over the floor the five minutes I'm in the shower)
kathryn!!! ok, i'm just going to have to accept that i'm hormonal and deal with the tears that keep flowing today. Thank you so much for your words. I'm soaking them into my heart!!! thank you sweet friend.
ReplyDeleteOh Nicole... your post touched me so much. Please don't feel like you are a failure. Kathryn's comment is true; there is a difference between raising them from the start and getting them "half grown". But let me let you in on a little secret... EVERY mom feels the way you are feeling. Yup. Even me. There are MANY days when I think I'd rather hide in a hole than continue dealing with screaming, crabby, whiney kids.
ReplyDeleteThere are two secrets I've learned the hard way that I'd like to add to Kathryn's advice about getting up and getting ready in the morning.
1) As hard as it may seem, the more often I respond with a CALM voice, the easier it is to deal. If I respond calmly, Zach has no "emotional" ammunition to feed off of, and it helps set the example for him. I'll admit, I don't always manage to keep my cool - but when I do things always feel so much better. I may still get stressed, I may still want to hide in a hole, but I feel so much more relaxed when I do finally get the kids in bed because I haven't wasted all my energy on being stressed out.
2) I know it can seem hard... but GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Even if all you do is take the kids for a short walk, or head to the park, or wander aimlessly through Wal-Mart for a little while it can make all the difference. I find that even when Zach is having a rough day emotionally, it does us both good to get out of the house. His attitude doesn't always change, but something about the fresh air and being out from "under" the oppression that can sometimes build up at home often makes all the difference in MY emotional status.
I've OFTEN read that even foster/adoption parents go through MANY of the same emotional and psychological changes that postpartum women go through. Consider these your 'baby blues' and don't be afraid to ask for help. I don't believe that we were EVER meant to have to raise children alone. It really DOES take a village to help raise a child! Find people you trust to unload on and pray with, wise women to seek parenting advice from, and people who you can get out with for 'play dates'. They don't have to have kids... even someone who's willing to meet you at the park and sip coffee while you watch the kiddos can be a HUGE benefit.
(And on that note, you can call me ANYTIME! I'd love to come hang out with you!)
Megan