I should be thinking of school...

Today's one of those days.

I have a Final Exam tonight that I haven't even studied for.

I have a paper due in the next couple days that I've known about since last summer and I'm only half way done with it.

And I have our foster children on my mind.

My love for these kids has evolved in just 3 short months. It feels like its been a year.
As each month passes, we get closer to finding out a little more of what will happen to these kids. Where they will go. What decisions will be made for them that will forever effect them.

Today is a crying day. I'm sitting here in Starbucks on my lunch break ( i should be studying) but instead, I'm writing... i need the catharsis. People always tell Vance and I that we are so brave, or strong, etc. for becoming foster parents. The truth is, we are non of those things, and the hardest part is yet to come. Caring for these kids is easy compared to the pain of having to watch others decide their future for them and the possibility of having to let them go.

I'm so thankful that God has called my Husband and I to the special ministry of Fostering Orphans. It is such an honor and blessing and truly, these kids have been such gifts.But sometimes, its just shitty. Today is one of those shitty days. Thats really the only way I can explain it.

WE covet your prayers. For the outcome of the kids case, for the months ahead that are sure to be beautiful and rocky.

P.S. Why must Starbucks play such depressing music?! As if I'm not already ttrying to keep it together today. Seesh...

~Nicole

Things are lookin up!

I'm currently enjoying some alone time while the kids are at the church nursery and I'm sippin on my pumpkin latte at Starbucks.

This week we provided respite care for another family in our agency for a little 3 year old foster girl. That means we had a 2, 3 and 4 year old. It was a crazy and fun weekend. The little 3 year old girl was so sweet, calm and well mannered... it kinda made Vance and I realize what terrors our kiddos are :) We love our little monsters though!

In latest news, a job dropped right into my lap last week. A friend of ours from church was talking to one of her friends at church and found out randomly that her husband was looking for an assistant. Knowing I've been looking for a job, our friend told vance and vance told me... I called this man (who goes to our church but i had never met) and scheduled an interview for the next day. After a wonderful 1 1/2 hour interview, talking and meeting the people in the office, they called me later that afternoon and asked if I would like to start work the following monday! For almost $8000 a year more than I told them I was looking for.

So, all in all, its been an eventful and encouraging week.
More to come later.

I'm too tired to think of a title for this post!

Staying home with the two foster kids FULL TIME while I'm unemployed has been really hard.
This is our first placement and I have learned in the last 6 weeks just how many areas of my life I need growth in.

People always say to us, "It takes a special kind of person to do what you're doing." or "I could never be a foster parent, I dont have what it takes."

To such comments, my only answer is this: There is nothing special about me. I am not stronger, more patient, more loving, more gracious than any of you reading this. In fact, I'm probably much more impatient, unforgiving and unloving than most of you! I'm not just saying that either! I feel utterly wicked these past 6 months.

I feel like I could just fall into a million pieces tonight. What else is new?!? Its how I feel as of late. I feel lost, empty and like a miserable failure.

Today I lost my patience with little baby girl. I dont even remember what she did- oh thats right, we were painting pumpkins and she started throwing a tantrum about her paint... and I just snapped. I picked her up,  plopped her down on the bench and put her in time out while I ranted and raved like a lunatic. It doesnt sound that bad, but the anger I felt scared me.

I felt so much anger and impatience and resentment towards this sweet baby girl and as she sat there, crying big crocodile tears, guilt and remorse started to slowly sink it, until I felt utterly horrible.

Of course, children are so forgiving and within 10 minutes she was wanting to sit in my lap again and give me kisses (which made me feel even more horrible).

I say all that to say... It doesnt take someone special to be a foster parent. I hope I'm vulnerable enough for people to see how utterly imperfect I am, and yet, God still uses those who are weak, ugly and broken to bring strength, beauty and healing to his children.

I am struggling deeply with patience these last few weeks. It seems like EVERYTHING the kids do infuriates me and makes me snap. From screaming in the car, to throwing tantrums about wanting milk, to crying at bedtime, to splashing water onto the floor during bath time, to not listening when I call their name until I say it for the 5th time... I could go on... everything is getting to me and I'm sure my blood pressure is off the charts.

I'm desperate to learn how to let things go. How to choose my battles. How to not be so uptight and laugh at the silly things they do instead of constantly getting onto them. I cant keep this up. Seriously, I need help.

Please, pray for me if you can and send any words of wisdom or parenting advice that you have my way. I admit I'm new to this. I have no clue what I'm doing half the time. I need lots of wisdom.

Love,
Nicole

Today I feel like a mess

Some of you may or may not know, but I lost my job two weeks ago.
Since CPS wont pay for daycare if Vance and I both are not working full time, I have had to become a full time stay at home mom over night.

I'm still looking for a new job and I know that God will provide me the right job at the right time, etc. etc...

Thats not what I want to write about here though...

Staying home, all day long, every day, with two young kids is really, really hard! If it sounds like I'm whining and starting to throw a fit, you would be right in thinking so!!! I'm worn out today and its only noon!
Deep inside myself I hear this little voice crying out, a thousand times a minute, every day, screaming, "I cant do this!!!"

Now, I know I can do anything with God's grace and mercy. Trust me, thats the only way I've been able to last 2 weeks at home. But I just want to fall into a million pieces and cry every day. (excuse me, I have to go give little boy a death look because I can hear him banging his feet against the wall while He's supposed to be napping).

I think the thing I'm upset the most about is that being a stay at home mom isnt what I thought it was going to be. I'm not who I thought I would be. I had this romantic idea that staying home and raising children would be so peaceful, so beautiful, so inspiring...  but so far its stressful, exhausting and the only thing I feel inspired to do is crawl in a hole and hide.

Perhaps a lot of my trouble is inexperience. Like today when I attempted to make a "fall craft" with the children and it turned into them screaming, crying and throwing sticks at each other. I should have known maya was too young for such a thing, but no... i had to learn the hard way.

I'm sure a lot of my angst is stemming from the fact that I'm premenstrual and haven't brushed my teeth or taken a shower yet today. That could probably be part of it.

But I think I'm just feeling deeply disappointed. Isnt being a stay at home mom what I've been telling people I want to do with my life? Wasnt this what I felt God had called me to do someday? Maybe its just not supposed to be today... or maybe I'm called to this only because I'm such a miserable failure at it on my own.

I feel a bit like Moses right now, crying and pleading with God, please dont ask me to do this. I'm horrible and I'll royally screw these kids up if you make me stay home with them one more day!!!!

Anyway, I just needed to vent. For those of you stay at home moms reading this, let me just tell you... I think you are the strongest, most courageous women in the world. You honestly have the HARDEST job in the world and I would like to take a swing at any man or woman who wanted to argue otherwise.

I'm gonna go take a shower and brush my teeth now.

Any thoughts, wisdom or encouragement would be welcomed at this point.


Love,
Nicole

News Flash: Husband Hacks Into Family Blog

You've not heard directly from me as of yet, but as Nicole has kept you informed of all of our goings on I figured I was allowed to help in the chronicling of this adventure. Part of my job at the church entails writing a monthly article for our newsletter, The Crucifer. Today's submission for the deadline was all about the kiddos, and some revelations I've had in our brief foray into parenthood. A friend of mine told me today that its less of a crash course, and more of a learn-as-you-go cliff diving lesson. All that aside, I just figured I would share it with you all, as one of the primary purposes of this blog is to keep record of our experience as we trust God in following a call that I never imagined would cost so much (I'm tend to be slightly dense with regard to remembering just how big, and surprising God really is). Anyway, here's my 93 cents.

It’s been a long time since I’ve learned so much of God in so short a time. Today, Nicole and I have been parents for all of ten days, and our lives are already changed forever. I was once a night owl, now I’m in bed by 10:00 p.m. at the latest. I’m not sure I had ever seen 5:00 a.m. anytime other than on a hunting trip, but now it’s my favorite time of day. And I never understood my mother when she told me about how, as a parent, she has relied heavily on God every moment of every day as a mother. She always said that she really did not know how things managed to work out so well, on countless occasions, apart from God’s divine grace, love, and incredible Spirit at work in her life and ministry as a parent.

     And yes, I called parenthood a ministry deliberately. For in my opinion that’s what it must be if we are to have any hope of not screwing our kids up beyond repair. After just 24 hours of parenthood Nicole and I finally understood all the reasons why parents always say they are so tired, even though most of those I know never look it. We understood how precious God’s word is to those parents who have always sworn by the necessity of an early morning reading and prayer session by yourself. Or how much a radio sermon can hit the nail directly on the head, and leave you feeling a million times better, and in need of a quick wipe of the eyes to dry the mist you didn’t know was gathering.

     Sunday a good friend encouraged me by describing parenthood as the most selfless thing he’d ever done, and the most rewarding. It reminded me that there’s a bigger picture, and that if we would only allow that idea to abide in our hearts we could see our children as the gifts they are...God’s children who have been entrusted to our care. They are His, and we are His stewards. Whether biologically, adopted, or fostered, they are all His. What a comfort that is, and a challenge no less.

     Still, it doesn’t mean we aren’t still a little anxious now and then. But I also remember this: that God is a mender of the broken and torn down. As parents, as people, we make mistakes, and when we screw things up beyond repair we can remember that nothing is beyond God’s ability and desire to make them new again, better, and more reflective of His glory. You...parents, students, and children of the Father...are never beyond His grace, never out of the reach of His mercy, never alienated from His love. Respond in humility and thanks as faithful stewards.

     Needless to say, my ministry as a pastor will also be forever changed...my paradigm shifted. It is not my power (laughable as it were) that drives my ministry to my children or to my students, but God’s working in and through me that meets the hearts of those with whom I have been entrusted to shepherd. All I can say, all any of us can say, is “Lord, please use me, and give me all I need to be faithful with what you have entrusted to me.” At that, we turn and give thanks for the ever faithful granting of such a request. Romans 8:28 says, “For we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.” And...my mother is the one who taught me to memorize and trust in that verse. Parents, students, pastors, and children...abide in His promises, and be covered in His sufficient grace.

Food Poisoning, Amazing Family and Backwards Pants.

Seriously, this weekend felt like a marathon.

Lets see...

I came down with a Nasty Allergy Infection Thursday that kicked by butt.
Then I got a violent dose of food poisoning Saturday.

Yesterday, while laying on the floor of our bedroom in the fetal position, I just remember praying to God, Please protect me Father. Please protect me. I felt so attacked. If it wasnt one thing it was another. I was so needy for God this weekend. I just kept crying out to God to heal me and give me the health I needed to help with the kids, the house, the errands, etc.

Thank God for Z-packs, Husbands and Family!

Friday night my amazing sister-in-love, Andrea, volunteered to have little brother come spend the night at her house! I'm not sure if she will be volunteering those services again anytime soon (-:  but it was such a blessing to just have one kiddo for the night, while I felt so horrible.

Then, Saturday morning, when I realized that I wouldn't be leaving my bathroom for a good couple hours, my other amazing sister-in-love Reagan volunteered to spend her Saturday at the CCC sale, buying clothes for our kiddos, since I wasn't able to go. I felt so loved by my family this weekend.

My husband took care of me so perfectly this weekend. He filled my prescription, took care of the kids, made me scrambled eggs, rubbed my back, held me when I felt nauseous,  prayed for me when I whimpered (I'm a little bit of a baby when I feel sick)... Honestly, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

My antibiotics have started to kick in, my stomach has recovered, i can swallow pain free... but most of all, I feel like I can be Wife and Momma Cole now. Which is really all I wanted.

My sweet Husband took the kids to church this morning which gives me time to rest and clean the house   (and take a shower)!!!

I must admit, jumping into parenthood this way isn't ideal. I know part of the reason I got so sick this weekend was because my body is just plain worn out. I've lost 6 pounds in a week and I dont shower consistently anymore. I think I took one yesterday but I cant really remember. lol

Yet, God has given us more than enough grace to handle each day as it comes.

The only way you can say that confidently, is when you allow God to be the ONLY one in your life you cry out to, while laying in the fetal position.

OH, and the mention of the backwards pants... for the last 24 hours I have been wearing my pajama pants backwards. I realized it last night before crawling into bed, but honestly, turning them around just wasnt a top priority for me. I suppose this weekend was my indoctrination into parenthood.

The Waiting Is Over.

After months of training, interviews, as much paperwork as buying a new car and the taunting task of WAITING... we are FiNaLLy Foster Parents.

We can't post pictures because its a privacy protection thing for our kiddos, but let me just tell you... Imagine the cutest thing you've ever seen and multiply it by 100! Seriously, these kids have captured our hearts already.

Lil boy is turning 4 at the end of this month. We plan on throwing him a birthday party at the pool or lake, because the boy loves to play in the water! He is witty, hilarious, outgoing, hyperactive and tender hearted.

Lil girl is going to be 2 at the end of the year. Let me tell you, she has the kind of cheeks you just want to kiss and squeeze for the rest of your life! She is still learning to talk and use her words, but she is very deliberate about letting you know what she wants. She has already started calling me "mamma" and runs to me when she is fussy, right into my arms. Brother bear calls me "momma cole" and calls vance "bubba", per vance's request, of course!

There is no question that letting these kids go down the road will be incredibly difficult. Perhaps the hardest thing we've had to face in our marriage so far. It hasn't even been 1 full week and we are already attached to them. However, having them become a part of our family has been only a joy and honor ( with a dash of tiring thrown in :)

We cant complain at all though! The moment CPS pulled up into our driveway, Trey was out that car and running across the street to the neighbor kids, asking if they wanted to play with him. They go to bed each night at 8pm and sleep till 7am without any problems! They started their first day of daycare yesterday and didnt have one single problem!

These kids are champs and we couldnt have asked for better babies to get to care for.

Well, I better go, I could talk about them forever... I'm having to learn how to manage early mornings, get myself ready, get them ready, off to daycare and to work (ON TIME) :)

WE ARE BLESSED.

Love,
The Garvey's

MY Father

This is a picture of Me and my Birth Father... taken in California a little over 5 years ago.

After a lifetime of being disconnected from him because of his drug addiction, I found him in jail about 5 years ago and started writing him letters.

This picture was taken when i visited him after he got out of jail. I hadn't seen him in over 10 years.

My Father, Dave, was at my wedding.

He played the piano like an angel.

It was a dream come true for me. A miracle I never imagined could have happened.

A couple months ago, I got a call early one morning at work.

Long story short, after 5 years of being clean and sober, my father relapsed on meth.

Currently, he has been in jail for the last month and it is likely that he will be sent to the Napa Valley State Mental Hospital for an indefinite amount of time.

I am heart broken.

The other night, I cried... and cried... and cried.

It's as if he has died. Yet worse, because he is still suffering and hurting himself and everyone around him.

I grieve the loss of the man I finally started to get to know.

Life is so painful a lot of the time. So difficult to endure.

HOWEVER...

Hope is not lost. In fact, over the past few months I have experienced peace like I haven't known in a really long time. I feel whole. I feel safe.

In my talks with God, I can once again call Him Father. Abba. For years since I found my Birth Dad in jail, i hadnt been able to call God 'Father'. I'm sure there is a psychological reason for all of this and perhaps it will unfold in the years to come..

But for now, I'm just ThankFULL that I have a Father who is never changing, always close and always loving me. How amazing is the Love the Father lavishes on His Children!

The Father works in mysterious ways. God is bringing Vance and I into a new season of ministry, sacrifice, love... at a time when our hearts are troubled and grieved by the things we must face in this world... and yet, we feel so safe in our Fathers arms...

How blessed we are to be called Children of God.

May the Love and Peace of the Father hold you and keep you right where you are.