I'm too tired to think of a title for this post!

Staying home with the two foster kids FULL TIME while I'm unemployed has been really hard.
This is our first placement and I have learned in the last 6 weeks just how many areas of my life I need growth in.

People always say to us, "It takes a special kind of person to do what you're doing." or "I could never be a foster parent, I dont have what it takes."

To such comments, my only answer is this: There is nothing special about me. I am not stronger, more patient, more loving, more gracious than any of you reading this. In fact, I'm probably much more impatient, unforgiving and unloving than most of you! I'm not just saying that either! I feel utterly wicked these past 6 months.

I feel like I could just fall into a million pieces tonight. What else is new?!? Its how I feel as of late. I feel lost, empty and like a miserable failure.

Today I lost my patience with little baby girl. I dont even remember what she did- oh thats right, we were painting pumpkins and she started throwing a tantrum about her paint... and I just snapped. I picked her up,  plopped her down on the bench and put her in time out while I ranted and raved like a lunatic. It doesnt sound that bad, but the anger I felt scared me.

I felt so much anger and impatience and resentment towards this sweet baby girl and as she sat there, crying big crocodile tears, guilt and remorse started to slowly sink it, until I felt utterly horrible.

Of course, children are so forgiving and within 10 minutes she was wanting to sit in my lap again and give me kisses (which made me feel even more horrible).

I say all that to say... It doesnt take someone special to be a foster parent. I hope I'm vulnerable enough for people to see how utterly imperfect I am, and yet, God still uses those who are weak, ugly and broken to bring strength, beauty and healing to his children.

I am struggling deeply with patience these last few weeks. It seems like EVERYTHING the kids do infuriates me and makes me snap. From screaming in the car, to throwing tantrums about wanting milk, to crying at bedtime, to splashing water onto the floor during bath time, to not listening when I call their name until I say it for the 5th time... I could go on... everything is getting to me and I'm sure my blood pressure is off the charts.

I'm desperate to learn how to let things go. How to choose my battles. How to not be so uptight and laugh at the silly things they do instead of constantly getting onto them. I cant keep this up. Seriously, I need help.

Please, pray for me if you can and send any words of wisdom or parenting advice that you have my way. I admit I'm new to this. I have no clue what I'm doing half the time. I need lots of wisdom.

Love,
Nicole

Today I feel like a mess

Some of you may or may not know, but I lost my job two weeks ago.
Since CPS wont pay for daycare if Vance and I both are not working full time, I have had to become a full time stay at home mom over night.

I'm still looking for a new job and I know that God will provide me the right job at the right time, etc. etc...

Thats not what I want to write about here though...

Staying home, all day long, every day, with two young kids is really, really hard! If it sounds like I'm whining and starting to throw a fit, you would be right in thinking so!!! I'm worn out today and its only noon!
Deep inside myself I hear this little voice crying out, a thousand times a minute, every day, screaming, "I cant do this!!!"

Now, I know I can do anything with God's grace and mercy. Trust me, thats the only way I've been able to last 2 weeks at home. But I just want to fall into a million pieces and cry every day. (excuse me, I have to go give little boy a death look because I can hear him banging his feet against the wall while He's supposed to be napping).

I think the thing I'm upset the most about is that being a stay at home mom isnt what I thought it was going to be. I'm not who I thought I would be. I had this romantic idea that staying home and raising children would be so peaceful, so beautiful, so inspiring...  but so far its stressful, exhausting and the only thing I feel inspired to do is crawl in a hole and hide.

Perhaps a lot of my trouble is inexperience. Like today when I attempted to make a "fall craft" with the children and it turned into them screaming, crying and throwing sticks at each other. I should have known maya was too young for such a thing, but no... i had to learn the hard way.

I'm sure a lot of my angst is stemming from the fact that I'm premenstrual and haven't brushed my teeth or taken a shower yet today. That could probably be part of it.

But I think I'm just feeling deeply disappointed. Isnt being a stay at home mom what I've been telling people I want to do with my life? Wasnt this what I felt God had called me to do someday? Maybe its just not supposed to be today... or maybe I'm called to this only because I'm such a miserable failure at it on my own.

I feel a bit like Moses right now, crying and pleading with God, please dont ask me to do this. I'm horrible and I'll royally screw these kids up if you make me stay home with them one more day!!!!

Anyway, I just needed to vent. For those of you stay at home moms reading this, let me just tell you... I think you are the strongest, most courageous women in the world. You honestly have the HARDEST job in the world and I would like to take a swing at any man or woman who wanted to argue otherwise.

I'm gonna go take a shower and brush my teeth now.

Any thoughts, wisdom or encouragement would be welcomed at this point.


Love,
Nicole