I promise, I really will become more consistent about blogging. :)
As a foster parent, you have good days and bad days.
Lately, we have had just a bunch of really bad days all stringed together (ok, its been like the past month or two).
The novelty of the new precious children has worn off. Their crazy little antics have stopped being so cute and funny. The lack of alone time or married couple time has started to grate on us and the continual self sacrifice it takes to parent someone else's children can become a burden instead of a joy.
I'm just being really honest here. Hopefully, If you know me at all, you know that what you see is what you get. I am the same person all the time, good, bad and really ugly. It often gets me in trouble... oh well.
Our little guy has been acting out a lot more lately. Overt disobedience. Complete disregard for listening to what you say to him. Inappropriate behaviors at school. I mean, its been HARD.
However, we realized the other day (while vance and I were laid up on the couch with a nasty viral bug) that a lot of his behavior is probably in response to our irritation and hostility.
We have been trying to care for these children on our own strength. We havent been in the word as much as when they first came. We havent been praying as much for them as when they first came. We havent been purposely spending time in Gods presence as much as when they first came.
We let our guard down.
Granted, It seems like every time i try to get up early in the morning, just as i turn on the light and open my bible, a baby is crying, the dog starts barking and wakes up the house, or something happens that totally interrupts my "me" time. But thats not an excuse.
To be honest, its been pretty ugly around our house and our hearts lately. There has been little compassion, little grace, little patience and an abundance of frustration and plain old burn out.
And it only took a total melt down on my part, weeping like a freaking crazy person to vance saying "i cant do this anymore" to realize what the problem was.
We were trying to minister to these children in our own strength!
Even Jesus said, "I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge..."
I'll leave you with this encouragement I received the other day while reading the story about Jesus feeding the five thousand. In every one of the gospels, the story is told in practically the exact same way. In Matthew, Mark, and Luke, the story of the five thousand is told right after the telling of the execution of John the Baptist. They say that after hearing of his death, Jesus withdrew to be alone, but large crowds followed after him. And seeing them, He had compassion on them and fed them. At the end of each story, it says that after the people were satisfied the disciples picked up all the remaining broken pieces of bread and filled twelve baskets full.
This ministered to me so much. How often do i feel broken hearted and want to run away to be alone, away from the kids, the stress, the mess, the crying, etc... but they follow me because they need me. They need love. They need comfort. If i will just allow myself to love like Jesus did, miracles will happen. Children will be ministered to... healed... fed... just like the five thousand.
My favorite part of the story, although not really biblical or symbolic of any type of theology, was that each gospel describes the disciples piking up twelve baskets full of Broken Pieces.
Yeah, I feel like that is all I have to give sometimes... broken pieces of myself, but apparently, it still feeds the soul and satisfies the hunger, so I will continue to give it.
